(The Tri-Chi sorority house)

Christy: I just can't believe it. I always label my Diet Coke in the fridge, and that witch always drinks some! I'm sick and tired of her attitude.

Kim: But we can't get rid of her. Chapter guidelines.

Christy: Oh.

Kim: We need thirteen sisters in the house. All the other girls on campus are, like, total heifers.

Christy: Well, I guess we're just gonna have to do what other sororities have done for years: Recruit off-campus!

Witch: You wanted to see me, Christy?

Christy: Oh, yeah. (She waves her hand and the witch's sorority pin flies into Christy's hand.) We have decided that you're no longer worthy of the Tri-Chi pin. (Holding out hand.) Wand.

Kim: (Offering a breadstick.) Italian low-fat breadstick?

Christy: Okay. (Points breadstick in the witch's direction. She shrinks into a statuette. Christy takes a bite of the breadstick.) This really low fat?

Kim: Mmm.

(Christy continues to eat the breadstick)


(High school)

Tommy Dawkins Voiceover: For most high school seniors, planning for college is a major decision, but I had it all figured out. I was gonna play football at State U, room with Merton, and spend another four years with Stacey. Yeah, it was gonna be perfect.

(Hallway. There's a big sign for an upcoming college fair. Tommy and Stacey are walking down the stairs together.)

Stacey Hanson: There is no way I'm going to State U.

Tommy Dawkins: What are you talking about? Where else would you go?

Stacey Hanson: I was thinking about a small liberal arts college back east.

Tommy Dawkins: Back east? But that's so far away. State U's only fifteen minutes from here. You can eat dinner at home.

Stacey Hanson: Tommy, I've been eating dinner at home for the last seventeen years! I wanna eat somewhere different, with different people.

Tommy Dawkins: But what are you talking about? Half of our class is going to State U next fall.

Stacey Hanson: Exactly. I'm not looking for another four years of high school. It's time to think about broadening my horizons. You really oughta think about that too, you know.

(Later, Tommy is talking with Merton in the hall)

Tommy Dawkins: Check this out.

Merton Dingle: Yeah.

Tommy Dawkins: Stacey doesn't wanna go to State U!

Merton Dingle: I don't blame her. I wouldn't go to State U if they gave me a paranormal studies scholarship!

Tommy Dawkins: Whoa, what are you talking about? You gotta go! Who's gonna help me with my, you know...

Merton Dingle: Homework? Yeah, I don't think at State U you have to do homework. I think they have, uh, coloring books in the curriculum! No, you're fine.

Tommy Dawkins: No, Merton, my gaaa werewolf problem!

Merton Dingle: Actually, you know, Professor Flugelhoff says that he might be able to get me in Heidelberg! I can't pass up the chance to work with a pioneer in the field of werewolf research!

Tommy Dawkins: First Stacey and now you! (Shouting.) My college plans are falling apart!

Merton Dingle: All right, look, maybe you should come with me to Heidelberg. I'd be the envy of all the other children in show-and-tell!

Tommy Dawkins: Ooh, joy! (Merton walks away.) Oh, college!

(At the college fair. TNT are talking with Hugo who is manning the Security Guard Academy desk.)

Travis Eckert: Are you sure our grades meet your institution's high academic standards?

Hugo Bostwick: Oh, it's not about grades. It's about character!

Tim Eckert: So, how'd you get in?

Hugo Bostwick: I was legacy.

Travis Eckert: S'mit, s'mit, s'mit, s'mit. (Tim slaps the back of his head.) So, maybe you could give us a recommendation? (To Tim.) Thanks.

Hugo Bostwick: Perhaps. But I'll have to put you through a rigorous training program.

(Tommy and Merton enter)

Tommy Dawkins: Why do you and Stacey wanna leave Pleasantville so badly?

Merton Dingle: See those hotties yonder? (Motions towards Christy and Kim who are standing together.) All former Staceys. They started in high school cliques and now they're in college sororities. They're nothing but clones. Androids! Robots! (Gets out a voice recorder and steps forward to speak privately into it.) Idea for a film: Sorority cyborgs! Possible lead actresses: Sarah Michelle Gellar, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Dick Van Patten! (Chuckles.)

Tommy Dawkins: (Tapping Merton on the shoulder.) C'mon, Merton, please.

Merton Dingle: (Turns off voice recorder.) Sorry. All I'm saying is, do you really want Stacey to be that sorority girl who dates the college quarterback?

Tommy Dawkins: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, I do. You see, I'm gonna be that college quarterback. Wait a second! That gives me a great idea! Thanks. (Walks away.)

Christy: There must be some future Tri Chi material here somewhere!

Kim: I told you we shoulda gone to Muhlenberg to look for pre-pledges.

Christy: And I told you to spend more time at the tanning bed. Did you listen? No!

Tommy Dawkins: (Walking up.) Hello, ladies!

Christy: Beat it, jailbait!

Tommy Dawkins: (Chuckles.) Now that's no way to talk to the guy who's about to introduce you to the future of your sorority, now, is it?

(He motions towards Stacey who's walking in. Christy smiles.)

Christy: (Whispering.) Easily [..]

(Hallway. The sorority members go up to Stacey.)

Christy: Oh, Stacey, promise you'll come for tea tonight?

Stacey Hanson: I'm flattered, but I really don't think I'm the sorority type.

Christy: Well, look, I know that you think sororities are full of conformist snobs who lack individuality, but that's not true! Is it, girls?

Girls: (Shaking heads.) Uh-uh!

Stacey Hanson: I don't know.

Christy: Just come by and see what we're all about I guarantee you'll find our house... Bewitching! (Her eyes glow red.)

Stacey Hanson: Um, I'll see.

(Dawkins residence. Dean is watching TV.)

TV: Do you have sexy feet?

Dean Dawkins: Cuz I'm skipping.

TV: Then why not make up to seventy thousand dollars a year as a much sought-after foot model?

Dean Dawkins: (Takes off sock and sticks foot out.) Heh, heh, heh! There's gold in them there piggies!

(Dining room. Tommy, Bob, and Sally are at the dining table.)

Bob Dawkins: How did that college fair go, Tommy?

Tommy Dawkins: Other than missing third period history class? Pointless. I already know I'm going to State U, so...

Bob Dawkins: Well, I hope you don't feel any pressure to go to State U just because your mom and I went there. There's lots of other really good colleges and universities.

Sally Dawkins: Mm-hmm! Your dad's right, sweetie. You know, it's never a bad idea to explore other options. Oh, sometimes I wish I'd studied at the Sorbonne in Paris!

Tommy Dawkins: But, then, you wouldna met dad.

Sally Dawkins: I know...

(Bob chokes on his drink.)

(Tri Chi sorority house. Stacey is with the witches.)

Christy: Okay, after your weekly weigh-in...

Stacey Hanson: You weigh your pledges? Oh, so they don't pack on the freshman cuisine.

Kim: Uh, have you seen those Thetas? Moo!

Christy: You'll thank us come boyfriend discovery time. That is, if we approve of him.

Stacey Hanson: You have to approve my boyfriend?

Christy: Well, duh! Tri Chis can't just date anybody. Oh, and PS: You can never go wrong with Sigma Pi! (Stacey gets up.) Oh, wait! You can't leave, yet! You haven't heard our sisterly song!

Stacey Hanson: Look, I just don't think that State U is right for me. I've actually got my heart set on a small liberal arts college back east, like Burlington or Wellman.

Kim: Who needs liberal arts when you can learn the black arts?

Stacey Hanson: Excuse me?

(The witches start chanting as they move around Stacey)

Girls: You cannot leave with a [..] sisters we shall be. With Tri Chi in our coven song, we'll keep you [..] you [..].

(Stacey seems mesmerized. Christy puts a pin on her.)

Christy: Oh, so precious!

(Cafeteria. Tommy goes up to Stacey. She's wearing the Tri Chi clothes and necklace. She's looking at herself in a hand mirror and is holding lipstick.)

Tommy Dawkins: So, how'd things go with the Tri Chis last night?

Stacey Hanson: Awesome, of course! I'm the only high school girl ever to be pledged by the sisterhood.

Tommy Dawkins: (To himself) Oh, yes! Stacey, that's great! Now we can finally go to State U together!

Stacey Hanson: We'll be there at the same time, but we won't be together. Ta ta! (She walks away.)

Tommy Dawkins: "Ta ta"?

(Tommy is running at night wolfed-out across the town)

Tommy Dawkins Voiceover: I'm such an idiot! I'm the one who got Stacey involved in the sorority thing in first place. Now she won't even talk to me!

(Dawkins residence. Dean is admiring his foot.)

Dean Dawkins: You are so beautiful, huh? Heh, heh! A little bit of aloe for my babies, huh?

(Tommy is talking to his mom on the other side of the room)

Tommy Dawkins: Oh, and she totally blew me off! Not in the sweet "maybe next time" way, it was in the cold-hearted "not in a million years" way! I don't know. It wasn't the Stacey I know.

Sally Dawkins: Oh, honey, you know, I can tell you from experience that the senior year of high school can be a very stressful time for a young girl. Mind you, the next twenty years are no picnic, either! Oh, with juggling my career, taking care of your father's career, raising you two kids, making sure everyone has clean underwear on...

Tommy Dawkins: Mom! Mom! Mom! The point is, Stacey's turned into someone I don't like! And I'm responsible for making her that way.

Dean Dawkins: Oh, yeah!

Tommy Dawkins: I should never have pointed her out to those sorority girls.

Sally Dawkins: Oh, just talk to her, honey. Oh, I'm sure things'll work out.

Dean Dawkins: (Takes a photo of his foot.) Yeah, baby, yeah! Show daddy what you got! Yeah! (Takes another photo.) Who's the naughty little foot, huh? Who's the sassy little foot? (Another photo.)

Tommy Dawkins: Mom, please tell me I'm adopted.

Dean Dawkins: Yeah, baby, yeah! Give it to me! Give it to me!

(Hugo enters the hall with TNT dressed in guard uniforms and wearing berets)

Hugo Bostwick: Nothing refreshes the soul like the sweet smell of law-enforcement!

Travis Eckert: When do we get to frisk our first victim? I mean, suspect.

Tim Eckert: Yeah, like you do with cops!

TNT: Cops rule!

Hugo Bostwick: You boys are gonna do me proud! Carry on!

(Merton's lair. Merton is typing on his computer. Lots of lit candles are in the room.)

Merton Dingle: "Sorority cyborgs", by Merton Dingle. Fade in. An attractive co-ed strolls toward the ivy-covered library. Light reflects from something in her hair. Camera zooms in. And we see a microchip behind her left ear! Oh yeah, she's a robot!

(Becky walks in carrying plate of maccaroni and cheese)

Becky Dingle: Here, some maccaroni and cheese!

Merton Dingle: Ah! Thanks, sis! You must understand, a creative mind needs nourishment! (Takes a spoonfool.)

Becky Dingle: Uh, no! I have friends coming over, and I cannot risk you coming upstairs with food.

Merton Dingle: Heh!

Becky Dingle: Oh, yeah, also, if you need to use the bathroom, it's occupied til five.

Merton Dingle: Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh! (Gestures to her to leave.) All right, now where was I? Oh yeah, she's a robot!

(The Factory. TNT are in there in uniform talking with Tommy.)

Tim Eckert: It's not just a good career move, Dawkins.

Travis Eckert: It's true. It's an opportunity for us to bring order to a chaotic universe. (Sees someone a distance away.) Freeze, freshmo!

Tim Eckert: Step away from the game!

Travis Eckert: Sorry, Tommy, we gotta bit of a situation.

Tim Eckert: Little nightstick?

Travis Eckert: Little bit a nightstick. Excuse us.

Tommy Dawkins: See you guys later. (Sees Stacey.) Oh! (Gets up.) Hi, Stacey!

Stacey Hanson: You again? If you insist on talking to me, can you not stand so close? I don't want people to think I'm acknowledging you.

Tommy Dawkins: What has gotten into you? You were never this stuck up before you join the Tri Chis! It's like they've brainwashed you or something.

(Stacey gestures "blah blah blah" with her hand. In the distance behind Tommy we can see some other Tri Chi girls.)

Girls: Hi, Stacey!

Stacey Hanson: Hi! Get over it, Tommy! Let me see if I can put this in a simple jock term you'll understand. I'm out of your league! Now, go and play with your little high school buddies! (Goes to the Tri Chis.)

Tommy Dawkins: Don't flatter yourself.

(Merton rushes up holding his movie script)

Merton Dingle: Tommy! Check it out! Inside the cybernetics laboratory Professor Huddlestien stands over a motionless body. Next to him, his attactive assistant: Martin Prindle! Jet-black hair and priss good looks! This look, too, heh! Logic! I've got it! I've created the largest cyborg! Doc! Doc! She's so beautiful! I can't believe she's a machine! (Tommy tries to look over him at Stacey in the distance.) Hello? What? What's wrong?

Tommy Dawkins: I don't know about those sorority girls.

Merton Dingle: Well, they don't have to be sorority girls. They could be stewardesses. I mean, the story works on many different levels.

Tommy Dawkins: Not in your screenplay! (Turns Merton around and points.) Them!

Merton Dingle: Oh, heh!

Tommy Dawkins: Yeah!

Christy: Are you ready for the next Thursday's do?

Stacey Hanson: What do you think?

Kim: Trust us. You'll have no trouble casting a spell over those frat boys!

Christy: I say we should all go with Stacey's look. Code red, girls!

(The other girls brush their hair and it turns red)

Christy: Enhance! (Laughs.) Let's go, girls.

(Tommy and Merton saw what happened)

Merton Dingle: I'd like to amend my original hypothesis. They're not robots, they're witches!

(Merton's lair)

Tommy Dawkins: Stacey's a witch? I can't date no witch!

Merton Dingle: Tommy, you're a werewolf. I mean, I'm no Chuck Woolery, but it kind of seems like the Halloween episode of Love Connection!

Tommy Dawkins: Oh, come on, Merton. What are we gonna do?

Merton Dingle: Relax, Tommy. You know, don't go all Salem Witch Trial on Stacey just yet. Remember, there's just as many good witches out there as bad.

Tommy Dawkins: Okay, okay, okay, I'm listening. I'm listening.

Merton Dingle: Think Casper's friend Wendy or Tabitha from Bewitched with that cute little wiggly nose!

Tommy Dawkins: So, what do we do? I mean, how do we find out whether the Tri Chis are good or whether they're bad?

Merton Dingle: I can enter their, uh, triple-x sorority insignia on my computer and see what I get.

(He goes to the computer)

Merton Dingle: Okay, ah, x-x-x. Ah, here we go: Tri Chi Coven.

Tommy Dawkins: They're good, right? Right?

Merton Dingle: Not quite. I'm afraid your sweet, innocent Stacey is just a spell away from becoming a full-time broom jockey!

Tommy Dawkins: Are you sure?

Merton Dingle: Yeah, it says, uh, Tri Chi formed their own coven in seventeen ninety. A coven that practices black magic!

Tommy Dawkins: Black magic?! That sounds bad.

Merton Dingle: Yeah, tres bad! Fairuza Balk in The Craft bad, Tommy. Black wiccas are humanistic pagans known for their demonic rituals! And they're also renowned for their... blue ribbon fruit pies?

Tommy Dawkins: I can't believe this. I actually brought Stacey to a bunch of evil witches just so we can go to the same college.

Merton Dingle: Tommy, we gotta get Stacey out of the clutches of this dark sisterhood soon before it's game over!

(Hallway. Merton and Tommy walk up to TNT who are in uniform and standing guard)

Tommy Dawkins: Tim, Travis, have you seen Stacey?

Tim Eckert: She's not in school?

Tommy Dawkins: No.

Tim Eckert: You know what that means.

Travis Eckert: (On walkie-talkie.) South-one Watchtower!

Tim Eckert: (On walkie-talkie.) Ten-four, Falcon One. Over.

Travis Eckert: We got a possible truancy. Over.

Tim Eckert: Roger that, Falcon One. Over and out.

Travis Eckert: Don't worry. We'll find her, sir.

Tommy Dawkins: Thank you.

(TNT walk away. They stop and salute when cheerleaders walk past.)

TNT: Ten-hut!

Tommy Dawkins: Jen. Jen! (Jen stops.) Have you seen Stacey? It's really important.

Jen: Are you kidding? She's too cool to hang out with us. Today was her big initiation ceremony into that stuck-up sorority. (Walks away with other cheerleaders.)

Merton Dingle: Initiation ceremony? Uh-oh!

Tommy Dawkins: Oh, don't say uh-oh, please! I hate it when you say uh-oh!

Merton Dingle: I didn't wanna tell you before, but according to the Runes of Onoius, part of a Tri Chi coven's rituals involve a human sacrifice!

Tommy Dawkins: Aaaah!

(Tommy is running the streets wolfed-out. Merton is following in his hearse.)

Tommy Dawkins Voiceover: Now, maybe I watch a little too much cable TV, but when I think sorority houses, I picture girls running around in lingerie and having pillow fights. Guess again!

(Sorority house. They girls are all dressed in white pajamas and watching TV.)

Girl: This is great, Stacey!

TV: Coming up next: Ally McBeal.

Girl: Pajamas are not much fun.

(Tommy and Merton enter holding water guns)

Tommy Dawkins and Merton Dingle: Mmm! Pajama party! (Point guns.)

Christy: Is this another panty raid by Delta house?

Tommy Dawkins: Hand over Stacey, and, you know, nobody has to get hurt.

Merton Dingle: Yeah, we warn you, these are full of holy water, okay? Oh! (Accidentally squirts Christy.)

Christy: Uh! (Sarcastically.) I'm melting! I'm melting!

Merton Dingle: All right! These things actually work!

Tommy Dawkins: That is so cool!

Merton Dingle: Totally.

Christy: Please. Someone's seen Wizard of Oz way too many times! (Clicks fingers.) Wand.

Kim: Organic celery stalk? Italian low-fat breadstick?

Christy: Breadstick. (Takes breadstick.)

(Christy points the wand and the water pistols fly out of Tommy and Merton's hands. Christy laughs.)

Christy: Girls, you know what to do.

(The girls get up and surround Merton and Tommy.)

Christy: Oh, look at them now! So vulnerable! Girls, show our guests to the den.

(Christy laughs, then presses a button in the nose hole of a skull. The secret wall door opens. Stacey is holding Tommy's shirt.)

Tommy Dawkins: (Whispering to Stacey.) Come on!

(Tommy and Merton are taken into the den. They hug each other as they look around at the girls who are now in their black witches clothes.)

Christy: Go get 'em, girls!

Stacey Hanson: Why can't you just let us eat our low-fat snack and watch Ally McBeal in private?

Tommy Dawkins: Cuz you've been hexed!

Merton Dingle: And they're gonna have you perform a human sacrifice on some poor, unsuspecting fool!

Christy: Actually, we have two to choose from! Prepare the little one for sacrifice!

Merton Dingle: Little one? Noooo! (He's put bare-chested on a bench face-down.) Oh, scalding oil!

(The witches pour some red oil onto him. Meanwhile Tommy wolfs out.)

Christy: Now it's your turn!

Tommy Dawkins: Bring it on, Broom-Hilda!

Christy: A werewolf? (Laughs.)

Tommy Dawkins: Come on!

(Christy clicks her heels and starts levitating)

Christy: I think I will, lassy!

(She points her wand at a jar of eyeballs and they go flying towards Tommy. He dodges and the jar breaks on the wall. Eyeballs fall on the floor.)

Tommy Dawkins: Ah-ha! You missed me!

(Christy sends books flying at him and they hit him)

Tommy Dawkins: Ow!

(Christy sends bottles flying and smashing onto him)

Christy: Ah, you're quicker than I thought!

Tommy Dawkins: Is that, uh... Is that all you got?

(She sends knives flying and they pin him to the wooden door behind him)

Tommy Dawkins: Mama!

Christy: Oh, I think I'll kill you now!

Tommy Dawkins: Merton! Any ideas?

Christy: Now you're getting sleepy!

Tommy Dawkins: Merton!

Merton Dingle: Sorry. Christy, Kim was right. You do look fat in that robe.

Christy: Huh? (Falls to ground.) Witch!

Tommy Dawkins: And Kim, Christy was right about your hair.

Kim: Huh?

Tommy Dawkins: A few roots are showing. Mmm.

Kim: She said that?

Christy and Kim: You witch!

(Christy and Kim point their wands at each other. All the witches shrink. All the knives holding Tommy fall to the ground. He goes to Stacey back in human form.)

Tommy Dawkins: It's time to pull the plug on this minx!

(He rips off Stacey's sorority pin. She goes weak but Tommy supports her.)

Stacey Hanson: Where am I? And why am I dressed like this? And why do I have oil all over my hands?

Tommy Dawkins: Let's not worry about that right now. Come on, let's get outta here. Come on.

(Merton sits up on the table and puts his clothes back on)

Merton Dingle: Wooo! That was nice! Mmm! Hey!

(He sees the statuettes and picks two up and takes them with him)

(Merton's lair)

Tommy Dawkins Voiceover: Well, Merton's screenplay got rejected by all the major Hollywood studios.

(Merton puts a statuette down on a table and admires it)

Tommy Dawkins Voiceover: They said that there were too many cyborg films this year, but they also told me he could resubmit if he ever came up with anything on werewolves.

(Dawkins residence. Dean's foot has lots of plasters on it.)

Tommy Dawkins Voiceover: And Dean's foot modeling career was put on hold when he developed a crippling case of bunions.

(He sees a commercial in which someone's foot appears)

Dean Dawkins: That shoulda been me!

(School hallway. TNT are holding a boy upside down and shaking him. Coins are falling out of his pockets onto the ground.)

Travis Eckert: We did it all, Tim!

Tommy Dawkins Voiceover: And TNT?

Hugo Bostwick: (Walking up to TNT.) Ahem!

(TNT suddenly drop the boy. Tommy is watching from his locker.)

Tommy Dawkins Voiceover: They learned an important lesson about the abuse of power.

Hugo Bostwick: General [..], you shame me!

(TNT turn around and Hugo rips their "Security helpers" labels off their backs and takes their nightsticks and berets)

(Stacey is walking with a stack of books in her hands)

Tommy Dawkins Voiceover: As for Stacey, the whole sorority experience was a blur, but she decided to hit the books harder and go for an Ivy League school. And who knows, maybe I'll even try for an Ivy League school, too.

(She reaches her locker and drops her books. Tommy looks at the Department of Physical Education brochure in his hands.)

Tommy Dawkins Voiceover: I mean, sure, I'm not an A student, but hey, even Harvard needs quarterbacks.